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| The completely resigned look, hands loosely hanging by the side. |
The first ever spiritual literature I
came across in my teenage life was The Autobiography
of a Yogi by Swami
Yogananda. The mystique of the Yogi's
extraordinary life set me on the path of a relentless search thereafter that
tormented me for almost three decades.
After reading the book, a spiritual 'primer' of sorts, I was 'hooked' to the
idea or possibility of the 'other world'! I began to look for even more juicy,
spiritual stuff - more mysterious, more mystical! Then the inevitable happened,
like millions of others, I too got onto the
bandwagon of the famous spiritual master-disciple duo from Bengal, the fiery
Swami Vivekananda and his sagely guru, Sri Ramakrishna Paramahansa.
The abundant Ramakrishna - Vivekananda literature consumed years and years of
my youthful life. At one time, I was doing yoga for three hours
continuously everyday and meditating for several hours inducing in myself a
false sense of 'spiritual high'. Their life stories were 'spiritually'
seductive! They had a tremendous impact on my young, vulnerable mind.
Many mystical experiences, events later, I got puffed up with spiritual pride!
Inwardly, there was the dichotomy that was tearing me up and reminding me that
I was still a human with clay feet. I could never reconcile my gross and
mundane existence with all its carnal inclinations with the archetypal 'life of
the spirit' that I was trying to impersonate. This to me was a festering open
wound.
Looking back, I can only say that all those spiritual books succeeded only in
creating the illusion of a spiritual 'journey' inside of me, where there was
really none!
****
Even as the disillusionment of my 'spiritual life' hit me hard, and I struggled
hard to break free, destiny turned a sharp corner and landed me at the door
step of another remarkable and fascinating character, J Krishnamurti.
I could relate to JK like many others of my time. I too had been thoroughly
disillusioned by the archaic traditions and practices, dogmas and doctrines and
was hankering for a new, dynamic and refreshing interpretation of Truth or
Reality, and that too in a language that I could easily understand and
assimilate.
JK fit the role of the new age teacher perfectly. His fabulous lingo helped him
to become the spin doctor of what was to be the new age philosophy, a paradigm
shift in looking at the world and at oneself.
This delightful, intellectual odyssey with JK lasted a full three years, bang
in the middle of my graduation program wrecking my student life as it were. This was also the time when I narrowly missed the opportunity of meeting up
with JK in Rishi Valley, Madanapalle. This was just a few days before his final
departure to the US! The opportunity was hijacked by a well meaning friend who
wanted me to focus on my examination that was scheduled incidentally on the
same days!
Then it suddenly happened!
After a feverish spell with JK for days , months and years on end, one fine
morning, he got flushed out of my system all of a sudden! After
breathing in and breathing out JK every waking moment for years, it suddenly
dawned on me that all those 'intellectual' journeys with JK were 'actually and factually' far removed from 'real' life
journeys. His 'on the couch' journeys appeared fruitless and burdensome. In
that rare moment of truth, I was finished with the man, once and for all.
I celebrated my freedom from the intellectual tyranny of the First and Last Freedom by gifting away all JK books, videos
and audio tapes.
JK's emphasis on 'depsychologising' the mind ironically
had its opposite effect ! His
intellectual trips, the 'unchartered journeys' had reduced me into an 'arm
chair philosopher' and a parrot who endlessly and mindlessly repeated JK
phrases.
****
With JK now behind me, and very much left to my own devices, I once again
started picking up pieces of my own shattered life in right earnest. For a
change, I wanted to become an entrepreneur and establish a small scale
industry.
But Life had its own plans.
In the mid-80s however, for the first time, after 'walking out' on JK,
there appeared in my life a flesh and blood 'guru' in the form of the late
Rayaru a k a GR Nagaraja Rao ( an avadhoot , a spiritual guide ) who fascinated
me no end with his practical approach, his 'monstrous' energy and incredible
insights into life.
Rayaru was a great devotee of Sri Raghavendra Swami ( a famous, celebrated
saint from the South of India who lived in the 17th Century). It was
my brother who insisted that I should meet Rayaru and arranged for our rendezvous,
just after my graduation.
Rayaru was unusual! He seemed to practically live on air, skipping food most of
the time. On the other hand, he guzzled pots of coffee, day and night and
chewed on betel leaf non-stop! He was a 'sleepless wonder' holding discussions
with people at all hours of the day and night! He answered the description of a
'biological freak.'
Rayaru's remarkable observations on life sometimes came pretty close to that of
JK's or even UG's. I did mention to him at one time that if only he knew
English, he would have been as famous as JK ( At that time, I was yet to
meet the man called UG ).
Rayaru was a human dynamo! He relentlessly moved about visiting towns and
villages, covering hundreds of miles every day, playing the role of a spiritual
guide and mentor to his followers and devotees. I found him sincere in his
intentions at the time. He was working day and night to help and guide people
from all walks of life, instilling courage and confidence in them and guiding
those who were 'stuck' in life.
Having gotten over the traditional mindset during my brush with JK, I was
finding myself constantly at loggerheads with this traditional man. I had given
up on meditation and stayed away from temples and religious places. On the
other hand, I enjoyed a great rapport with him and in fact I accompanied him on
many of his frequent trips and was privy to how he impacted people who were
really suffering in life.
Rayaru was with me exclusively on and
off for almost three years before gathering a sizable following. In a sudden
departure from his vagabond life, he decided to establish a 'mutt' ( ashram)
and settle down in a tiny hamlet, East of Nandi Hills near Bangalore. This in a
way was the defining moment in our relationship.
Crowds had now started gathering around him in huge numbers and somewhere along
I could sense his secret ambition to establish the spiritual centre. I
thoroughly detested the idea and vociferously objected to him and others who
were now keen on putting up the infrastructure. This became a bone of
contention between the two of us.
But my relationship with this strange man made me discover many hitherto
unknown dimensions of life.
****
One incident that still stands out in my memory.
On a late summer evening he turned up at my bachelor pad. He appeared tired
that day and wanted to sleep on the terrace and I laid out his mattress for him
and went back to my business of preparing for a lecture the next day! After a
while I slept off inside the room, keeping the door open, just in case he
wanted to use the restroom anytime during the night.
The pitter-patter sound of rain drops on my window panes woke me up rudely from
my slumber. The clock showed 1 30 am.
I suddenly recollected that Rayaru was sleeping outside on the terrace. I ran
out quickly to find him still on the bed. The rain now was beginning to gather
pace! As I shook him up, a strange thing happened! His body, like a log of
wood, rolled off towards the parapet wall. I was shocked and ran over and
quickly checked his breath and pulse, found out that both were missing! He was
taller and heftier than me, there was no way I could carry him back into the
room on my own! It was a God forsaken hour to look for any outside help. I
didn't have any phone line either to call my friends! I quickly rolled him back
onto his mattress like timber and ran back into my room. I found a thick
plastic sheet to cover him up, I was only hoping that the rain would cease
soon!
All through the episode, I strongly felt that this was some kind of a 'yogic'
thing, that indeed he was alive but possibly had turned off his vital breath as
yogis do and should be lying there in some kind of deep hibernation or 'yoga nidra.'
Even if he were indeed dead, there was absolutely nothing that I could do at
that godforsaken hour! The whole world was sleeping! I was all
alone and helpless ! Something deep inside of me told me that indeed
nothing could go wrong and I went back into my room and very soon fell
asleep.
Sounds in the kitchen woke me up to a bright and sunny morning. Rain the
previous night appeared like a far away dream! Rayaru was preparing the 'bed
coffee' and greeted me cheerfully. I couldn't hold back my surprise, "
Rayare! What happened ? Where were you early this morning? What mischief were
you up to? I checked your pulse and breath, you appeared dead to me!" He
dismissed me with, " Hey! I just don't know what you are talking about . Stop playing the 'detective', huh! Here, enjoy your morning coffee." He
dodged all my attempts to seek an answer to my puzzle.
What happened that night still remains a mystery to me!
****
My dissent and fierce opposition to the idea of Rayaru founding a 'mutt' was
causing strain in our relationship. He obviously started gravitating towards
those who were in favour of the new mutt. I arranged for a new accommodation for
some of our common friends who lived with me at the time in a posh locality in
Bangalore and Rayaru moved into the new home along with them. I happily
continued staying in my small 'terrace' flat and carried on independently just
like before.
A couple or so years before the end of my relationship with Rayaru, I had
chanced upon UG's book, Shanta Kelkar's , Sage
and the Housewife.
Having by then traversed the whole spiritual landscape - from Swami
Paramahans Yogananda, Swami Vivekananda, Sri Ramakrishna, J K to Rayaru, I was
thoroughly disillusioned about all things spiritual and also completely
devastated.
****
After almost half a dozen years with Rayaru from '86 to '92, for the first
time, I met up with the man called UG on the 10th of July 1992.
My life was to change for ever, rather my notion of 'change' was to cease for
ever!
When I saw UG, my whole being resonated and there was a gut feeling that this
was the Total Man or Real Man that I was always looking for all my life!
In UG, for the first time, I witnessed the boldness and authenticity of a man
who walked the talk! His simplicity and honesty were a delight to behold. His
refusal to own up his extraordinary intelligence endeared me to him even more!
What made him stand apart was that he wanted nothing from you or me or anyone.
He remained fiercely independent, allowing no relationship to take root,
allowing no build up of any sort, giving no one the baton to propagate his
work! He was uncompromising to a fault, nothing came in his way of stating the
naked truth - no relationship, no power, no authority, no familiarity, none
whatsoever could check him! He didn't embellish his words, he uttered the naked
truth regardless of how you felt or received it - you could take it or leave
it!
After having personally gone through the whole hog of the spiritual milieu by
now, my rebellious spirit was raging to break free from the cultural and
intellectual tyranny of social environment.
UG held the key!
UG's outbursts had the effect of a real dynamite that could blast the bedrock
of our cherished heritage and and shatter the very foundations of intellect and
culture.
Meeting UG was indeed the turning point of my life.
At my first meeting, he pointedly questioned me about the basis for any
dependence, spiritual or psychological, "
They say God helps those who help themselves, if you could help yourself, then
why do you need God?" and
further drilled, "
Sir, I rejected all kinds of authorities, I was heretical to the tip of my
toes! I walked on my own! What can happen? You might fall! So what? Your elbows
and knees will then put you back on your two feet. It is important to stand on
your two feet, howsoever shaky they may be, rather than borrow crutches however
attractive or strong!"
****
Shortly after bouncing into UG, I increasingly found myself at crossroads with
Rayaru. Things began to precipitate in a way leading to bitterness on his part.
He detested my refusal to tow his line and be part of his spiritual entourage.
A guru is lost without his followers! With redoubled zeal, he started
recruiting a great number of followers to his camp and was keen on propagating
his legacy.
Just a few months after meeting up with UG, there ensued a public show down
between myself and the erstwhile guru when I defied his command to attend a ceremony
at his village! He had enough of me and my defiance, he flared up and began
shouting at me right in the middle of a crowded street in the metro. Strangely
all through this flare-up, I felt great calmness and composure! Inside of
me, there was great stillness and silence even as he was raging against me and
throwing mouthfuls right in the middle of an amused city crowd that stopped and
watched the entire spectacle. Oh boy, was he upset!
Once we reached our apartment, I calmly spoke for the first time, drawing his
attention to his possessive attitude, he wanted to own me like a coat or a
shirt and I told him that it would not happen, that even my own dad had given
up on me.
We had finally parted ways, the relationship simply fell apart. I did meet him
a few times thereafter but there was no warming up like before.
It was all over.
I was lucky to have met UG who had steeled my backbone. I surprisingly began to
discover enormous strength in my own independence.
A few years later when I sat listening to UG blasting away gurus in
Chandrasekhar Babu's house, I suddenly fell into a reverie about Rayaru, UG
suddenly turned to me and exploded, "
No looking back in life sir! You just move on!"
